There are four main ways to express yourself. Each way requires a different style of communication and vocabulary.

1. Observations
2. Thoughts
3. Feelings
4. Needs

Observations

• Observations simply state facts. Observations report what your senses are telling you.
• No speculations, inferences, or conclusions should be added to the observational statement.

Examples:

• "My old address was 1996 Fell Street."
• "I broke the toaster this morning."

Thoughts

• Thoughts are conclusions and inferences drawn from what you have observed.
• Thoughts synthesize the way you understand why or how things have happened.
• Beliefs, opinions, and theories are all varieties of conclusions.
• Sometimes it is helpful to identify your thoughts in a statement by saying, "I think..."

Examples:

• "I think you were wrong to just stop talking to her." (value judgment)
• "Selflessness is essential to leadership." (belief)

Feelings

• Expressing your feelings is commonly considered the most difficult part of communication for people.
• Many people are also less-receptive to hearing how others feel, for a variety of reasons.
• How you feel is a large part of what makes you unique and special.
• Shared feelings are building blocks of intimacy and vulnerability.
• When you share your feelings with someone, they are better able to modify their behaviors to meet your needs.

Examples:

• "I feel like I let you down, and it really bothers me."
• "I'm alone quite often, but thinking about socializing makes me anxious."
• "I'm checking my reactions, and I feel stunned and a little angry."

Note:

• Feeling statements are not observations, value judgments, or opinions. For example, the statement, "Sometimes I feel that you are very rigid" has nothing to do with feelings. It's just a slightly buffered judgment.

Needs

• Nobody knows what you want, except for you.
• You are the expert and highest authority on yourself. Nobody can read your mind, or assume exactly what you need.
• In order for you to get what you want, you should express your needs clearly.
• Trying to have a close relationship in which you do not express your needs, is like driving a car without a steering wheel.
• Needs do not assign fault - they are simple statements about what would help you.

Examples:

• "I have a project due on Monday, so I don't think I'll have time to do the dishes this weekend. Will you be able to do them Sunday night?"
• "I need a day to myself this week. Can we do something this weekend instead?"
• "I'm sorry I haven't called you lately, I have been busy with projects. I miss you though, can I call you this weekend?"

Whole messages combine all four kinds of expression: what you see, think, feel and need. Close relationships will thrive off of whole messages. Practicing communicating whole messages will set you up for success in building relationships with friends, family, instructors, and colleagues!

When you leave something like your feelings out of a message, it is considered a partial message. Partial messages create confusion and distrust. People don't like hearing judgments without understanding your feelings and hopes.

Ask yourself the following questions when trying to communicate a whole message about something important to you:

• Have I expressed what I know to be fact? Is it based on what I have observed, read, or heard?
• Have I expressed and clearly labeled my inferences or conclusions?
• Have I expressed my feelings without blame or judgment?
• Have I shared my needs without blame or judgment?

Try to create a whole message the person is failing to communicate in the examples below:

1. "I know, I know. You don't have to remind me." After being reminded that the dishes need to be cleaned for the second time, a roommate is distressed about upcoming projects and keeping the apartment clean.

• Observations:
  • Describe what happened. Try to be factual and accurate, while not making assumptions.
• Thoughts:
  • State your beliefs, opinions, or interpretation of what happened in your observation.
• Feelings:
  • Say how you feel about the situation.
• Needs:
  • Talk about what you would like to happen in the situation.

Bring it all together.

• The dirty dishes were left out overnight.
• You have reminded me twice, so I get the impression the dirty dishes are bothering you. I'm sorry I let this slip.
• Lately, I feel overwhelmed with some upcoming projects.
• I need a little more time to finish this project, but I can do the dishes tonight - since this is affecting your space as well.

2. "I'm fine, just tired." An overwhelmed student responds via text message to a concerned family member after the student ignored their family member's phone call. The family member has texted the student multiple times, expressing their worries about the student's wellbeing.

• Observations:
  • Describe what happened. Try to be factual and accurate, while not making assumptions.
• Thoughts:
  • State your beliefs, opinions, or interpretation of what happened in your observation.
• Feelings:
  • Say how you feel about the situation.
• Needs:
  • Talk about what you would like to happen in the situation.

Bring it all together.

• I didn't call you back. I was finishing up a project that is due this week.
• I think I ignored your call and messages because I was already feeling stressed. I understand your concerns about my wellbeing, but sometimes it doesn't help me.
• When you tell me how worried you are about me, I feel responsible for making you feel better.
• When I am stressed, I need to focus my energy on getting my assignments done. Instead of calling me on weeknights when I have assignments due the next day, could you call me on weekends - when I have more free time?

The best way to get better at communicating is by practicing often. Especially with people you care about or would like to become closer with. Here are some examples of times you can practice throughout college:

• When you are emailing your professor about an assignment you may need an extension on.
• When you are navigating a conflict with your roommate.
• When you have questions for your academic advisor about your graduation plan.
• When you are getting to know a new friend.